


with every small disaster

by softouches



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Felix is done, Fluff, M/M, chan being a libra and felix being a virgo, chris is struggling, i've written it in six hours i'm sorry, it's stupid and i can't write short stuff for sht
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:15:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25333747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softouches/pseuds/softouches
Summary: The things is, it never occurred to him that something was wrong. Chan always knew he had a huge weak spot for the boy, in fact, everyone knew, not really paying attention to it anymore.  Chan had a weak spot for every member of his group, but with Felix it has always been a bit different. He always supposed that it’s because they’ve met when the boy was barely seventeen, and he was also Australian and he was so outrightly confused and lost that without a glint of hesitation Chan practically adopted him. Felix always evoked in Chan this brotherly, parental type of love, giving him all the care attention that he carried in himself. Until recently.Or: Chan is an indecisive Libra and Felix is a bold Virgo
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Kudos: 203





	with every small disaster

**Author's Note:**

> my timeline on twitter was filled with chanlix and well that happened  
> it's short and pointless so read at your own risc but i tried :3
> 
> for better experience [home](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPNgq4ZRxKg)

Chan was a coward.

Well, technically, he wasn’t, as doing courageous, even rebellious things wasn’t something new or out of reach from him. Chan was always there to speak out, even if he knew the words could be harsh, he had never hesitated sticking to his ideas and had never been afraid to confront people about their wrong doings.

But when it came to feelings Chan was completely helpless. Especially when it came to a certain boy with splutters of freckles on his face and bright sparkles in his eyes.

The things is, it never occurred to him that something was wrong. Chan always knew he had a huge weak spot for the boy, in fact, everyone knew, not really paying attention to it anymore. Chan had a weak spot for every member of his group, but with Felix it has always been a bit different. He always supposed that it’s because they’ve met when the boy was barely seventeen, and he was also Australian and he was so outrightly confused and lost that without a glint of hesitation Chan practically adopted him. Felix always evoked in Chan this brotherly, parental type of love, giving him all the care attention that he carried in himself. Until recently.

It wasn’t something special or notorious. Chan was peacefully scrolling through his social medias, taking a small break from work as his brain felt like it would explode at any minute. They have finished promotions just recently, and every post that he saw was filled with bittersweet joy and gratefulness, which kind of brought smile on his lips. He scrolls through screenshots and pictures from last vlive, now huffing a laugh pretty loud, until he sees one little caption under the photos of him talking about Felix.

_chan you’re in love just accept it :D_

And well, then it just hits him.

_Fuck, I’m in love._

_*_

Chan is a coward in a sense that he doesn’t have the guts to talk about it. Neither with other members, nor with Felix himself. And it starts taking a toll on him.

Everything – every little interaction, word, touch – becomes so oblivious, as Chan thinks he starts feeling everything ten times harder than before. His heart clenches at every smile, almost at every gesture, and especially at every expression of skinship. Chan feels his breath hitching and pulse picking up, and he can’t quite comprehend what exactly he is supposed to do with this little (read: huge) problem of his.

“Hyung,” he hears a voice and turns around to be faced with Minho. “Is everything okay? You look,” he observes him from head to toes, “even more tired than usual, if that’s even possible.”

Chan nervously fidgets his fingers, letting out a rather tired sigh. He knows that just talking about a problem could strangely help, that weight would be finally lifted up his shoulders. That’s what he always says to his members every time they have an argument or visibly have troubles that they bear inside themselves.

But Chan just can’t do it. He never was good at oversharing, to start with, but now it seems like something holds him back with even more force, so he just quietly nods. “Yeah, everything’s fine,” Chan knows the smile on his lips looks forced, but everyone’s used to it by now. “Just thinking about work again.”

“You should rest,” Minho pats him gently on the back. “And I’m always here if you need anything,” he goes further into a kitchen, leaving Chan a caring smile, and the boy can’t help but feel warmness spreading somewhere inside.

Chan looks at the three bodies sprawled onto the floor in the living room. Hyunjin, Jisung and Felix seem to be playing some kind of board game, shouting at each other from time to time, that all being interrupted by loud splutters of laughter. Jisung is usually the loudest, but Chan hears Felix the most, it’s such a distinct and heartwarming sound that Chan’s pulse starts picking up again as he observes the brightest smile playing on Felix’s lips, making his eyes turn into small crescents, almost as pretty as moon itself.

Well, definitely prettier.

The other thing that Chan starts noticing ten times harder is how unbelievably touchy Felix is with everyone. He has always been affectionate, it’s not a secret, hugging members to sleep or giving members small kisses to brighten up their mood. But as Chan becomes aware of his odd feelings it’s starts getting on his nerves.

And boy, he does feel awful about it. Chan is so used to put other’s happiness and needs above his that when his own emotions cage him up and demand attention, it physically makes him feel sick, like he’s a bad person, a bad friend, a bad leader. No matter how hard he tries to fight it he can’t help but notice how Felix’s hand stays around Jisung for longer, than he expected, and how he lends a soft kiss on Hyunjin’s cheek, making the latter break out in a small smile.

It also hurts him because Felix is not that free-spirited with him. He’s always cautious with his actions, as if constantly asking for permission to interact with the other. And Chan knows it’s partly his fault as he had been exceptionally harsh on him before, but now this dark and sticky feeling of envy is practically eating him alive. Is making him greedy.

As the next wave of laughter splutters in the living room and Felix embraces Jisung into a long hug something inside of Chan bursts with a sonorant pop, audible only for him.

“You’re so loud, for fuck’s sake.” It’s like a scene from a movie, where everyone’s gazes slowly turn to him, some of them hurt, some of them questioning. He can’t bear looking at Felix now, though.

But Chan being Chan, the guilt is quickly taking over him, and his eyes open wide in the aftermath of shock. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” he whispers almost in panic. “I didn’t mean too—I mean, I didn’t--,”

“Hyung, it’s fine,” it’s Hyunjin who speaks getting up from his place. “We really were loud, and you need a rest so--,” he tries to come closer but Chan is already on his way to his room.

“No, I’m really sorry,” he mutters almost inaudible. “I think I will jus try to get some sleep,” he looks over his shoulder, eyes skimming through the room to make sure he didn’t hurt anyone. But the only thing he sees in everyone’s eyes is worry, and it fucks him up even more. “Please, have fun, I promise it’s fine.”

With that the door closes behind him with a click and he restlessly falls onto his bed. As he starts overthinking stuff all over again, he decides that the best way to muffle it would be with the music, so he takes out his phone and plugs air pods in. Chan puts random indie playlist on shuffle, but ironically the song called ‘home’ starts playing first, making him think of Felix even more.

Well, as they say – think of the ray and here is the sun.

Next time Chan opens his eyes he sees Felix humming and hawing near his bed, looking adorably small in – oh wait, is that his clothes? – Chan’s black hoodie, playing with his sweater paws.

“Chris, are you okay?” He asks, and his eyes are so full of worry and concern that Chan thinks it’s actually too much to take for one man. “If we did bother you it’s okay, you shouldn’t tolerate with us.”

“No!” Chan almost shouts and jabs from his place so fast that he hits his head on the top bunk. Felix let’s out a surprised yelp at that, but meeting each other’s eyes they both break into soft laughter as Felix sits carefully at the edge of the bed. “I really shouldn’t have said that! I think I wasn’t really conscious while that words left my mouth,” Chan says sheepishly, scratching the place where he was hit.

“Overthinking again?” Felix asks, and slowly stretches out his hand to take Chan’s hand but stops midway, as if asking. As usual. Chan just nods, welcoming him to go on.

“When I’m not doing that, honestly,” he huffs, with Felix’s hand in his.

“I can help!” The boy beams and suddenly drags them both back to bed, and Chan’s head hits something again as they lay down. Felix laughs, this time louder, resting his head on Chan’s shoulder carefully. “You can be so clumsy sometimes.”

“You’re not the one to talk,” Chan snorts, remembering all the series of unfortunate events that usually happen to the boy. “And how are you planning to help, may I wonder?”

“It’s you who said that hugs make everything better,” Felix shrugs, and wraps himself around the older boy without a warning. “So, I’m gonna do exactly that.” Chan suddenly becomes aware of Felix’s breath on his neck, and how his arms fir perfectly around his waits and he feels as he stopped breathing all at once. “Hyung? You’re tensed,” Felix mumbles, pulling away slightly to look at the older. “It has been happening all the time lately, when I hug you. Are you uncomfortable? It’s okay, if yes, we’re all humans with boundaries and--,”

Chan shushes him, just pulling the boy back again and feels as Felix smiles against his shoulder. “It’s fine, just a lot has been happening lately,” he says in a low whisper, as if afraid of ruining the moment of closeness.

Felix just shuffles closer, nuzzling like a cat. Chan starts panicking, feeling as his palms start sweating and heart rate picks up, as no way in hell Felix didn’t notice that. “What are you listening to?” The younger mumbles, eyes still closed.

“Just music,” Chan screeches, as his voice cracks in the middle of the sentence. He feels as his face starts getting hotter. _It’s just Felix, calm down._

The truth is, it’s never _just_ Felix.

“I want to listen too,” Chan watches as Felix pouts cutely, and, who he is to say no. Letting a small laugh and ruffling the boy’s hair he puts an airpod in his ear gently and presses the button on his phone to resume the song.

_So when I'm ready to be bolder,_

_And my cuts have healed with time_

_Comfort will rest on my shoulder_

_And I'll bury my future behind_

The song is on repeat for far more hours than it possibly should have been, but with its breathy sound and Felix’s soft body wrapped over his Chan can swear he can feel gentle touches of the ocean and fragrance of sweet Australian sun.

*

If usually Chan spent around two-three hours a day at the dorms, the following week he hardly ever shows up there at all, spending days and nights crumpled in company’s small studio.

Because he is a coward.

Because Felix starts hugging him to sleep far more often, and he dies a little every time he does that.

Because he becomes sensitive to attention the other members get and he doesn’t want to hurt anyone like he almost did a week ago.

And Chan knows this mess can be solved with a simple conversation. Yet, here he is, constantly hiding from everyone, almost becoming a recluse at this point.

“I think I’m in love with Felix,” he blurts out once when Jisung leaves him and Changbin alone to get some food.

Changbin’s hand stops writing, but he doesn’t even flinch. “Hyung, if you think it’s not obvious, I have not that pleasant news for you,” small smile graces his lips. And when Chan opens his mouth for a following question, Changbin shoots, “Just talk to him and problem solved.”

Chan can’t brace himself to talk. So he just hides. Like a damn coward he is.

The most painful thing that Felix still checks up on him regularly. Bringing snacks, hot chocolate because he knows that Chan doesn’t like coffee, blankets and cushions so the boy could sleep more comfortably in studio’s couch.

But Chan can only let out strained ‘thank you, Lix’, accompanied with a forced smiles and disastrous process of trying to avoid Felix’s intense gazes.

And it eats him alive. The guilt, the overwhelming feelings and thick, almost nauseous presence of fear.

Until fear itself comes to face him at first hand.

It’s three in the morning when Chan makes his final attempts of finishing a song as he hears the sound of door opening with a loud thump. It’s Felix, and maybe it’s not the first time Chan sees him this exhausted and tired, with dark circles under his eyes, almost reminiscent of black colour, but it’s the first time Chan witnesses the expression of raw fierceness on his face.

He gulps, mumbling quiet ‘what’s wrong’ until he is cut off with a sound of bitter laughter coming from the younger.

“What the fuck, Chris?” Chan’s heart almost stops, and he thinks his soul is no longer the occupant of his body, like he is watching this scene somewhere from afar.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he gulps. He usually feels bigger around Felix, but now he physically feels so small, like he is a tiny grain of salt in the ocean.

Felix just continues to stare at him, arms crossed and eyebrows knitted. “It’s so hard,” he mutters in a low tone. “You’re so damn complicated, you know that?”

The thing is, Chan knows. But he just gapes, trying to make something audible out of himself. “I don’t understand, Lix--,”

“For god’s sake!” He exclaims, coming closer and towering a bit as Chan is still sitting in his chair. “I like you, you like me, we like each other,” he says, eyes never leaving the older boy. “What’s fucking complicated in that?”

“I--,” Chan takes a deep breath, playing with a pen in his hands. “I was just scared and panicked,” he mumbles, finally breaking down and covering his face in his hands as the blush creeps in on his cheeks and neck.

There is a moment of silence, but then he feels as Felix shuffles, and the next thing he sees is as Felix squats down to get on Chan’s level, eyes looking at him softly, but his gaze remains piercing and full of confidence. He intertwines their fingers, without a silent question now, looking at Chan expectedly. “Then I don’t know,” he whispers, the corner of his lips twisting in attempt to smile. “Maybe you should try to kiss me now.”

Chan still freezes, playing with Felix’s smaller fingers in his hand. His breathing gets chaotic, as he tries his best to move, or to say something, or just simply not make an idiot out of himself. “You’re unbelievable,” Felix whispers, but with a real smile now, and slowly leans in.

The first brush of their lips is soft, almost non-existent, but Chan finally feels as the grip on his soul is slowly releasing and he’s finally able to breathe. He feels safe, and peaceful, and finally where he should have always been.

He feels complete.

Chan feels as Felix wants to pull away and quickly places one hand on his nape, pulling the boy back to his lips. The second kiss is more demanding, and Chan dizzily indicates how Felix holds a grip on his sweater, bringing him even closer. Chan unconsciously leans in even more, feeling as Felix goes over the seam of his bottom lip, but quickly loses his balance, falling forward and accidentally crashing the younger boy to the ground.

As their chests collide, Chan hears Felix laughing hard, the sound vibrating through his whole body as his hands caress Chan’s arms in a gentle motion. “Were you always this clumsy because I don’t recall seeing that before?” Felix asks mischievously, lips twisting in a soft smirk.

“I think I’m just in love,” Chan blurts out, but regrets it just seconds later as he feels hot everywhere. “I’m an idiot,” he hides his red face somewhere on Felix’s chest.

“You definitely are,” the boy replies, hands now going through Chan’s locks. “It’s rather comfortable here, don’t get me wrong, but I suggest moving to the couch.”

Three kisses and hours later, Chan finally comes back home, and for the first time in last two weeks it’s not only a physical feeling.

**Author's Note:**

> yell at me on [twt](https://twitter.com/softouchan)
> 
> ask me smth :) [cc](https://curiouscat.me/softouchan)


End file.
